The Me I Don't Want To Be

Nov. 2008 -154 lbs.

I have finally reached a point where I can no longer stand to be in the shape I am currently in...Again. I have struggled with my weight and a food addiction all my life. Food and I have a love/hate relationship. It calls to me every minute of every day, like cocaine calls to a drug addict. I was teased mercilessly all throughout school because of my weight. In 2004 I tipped the scale at 240 lbs. I assure you that weight looked wretched on my 5' 3 3/4" body. The family Christmas card we sent out was a painful slap in the face. I decided then and there that I was going to change. I was tired of being the fat girl that people looked past in a crowded room. I wanted to be the thin, beautiful girl that demanded the attention of the room when she entered. I got a gym membership and became obsessed with counting calories. I found a level of self control that I never knew I possessed and lived by the mantra that "Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels." I equated everything I ate to the time I would need to spend on the elliptical burning it off and found myself easily saying no to the chocolate cake and ice cream that I loved so much; it just wasn't worth it to me.

By May of 2008 I had slimmed down to 154 lbs. with a 29 inch waist. (Yes, I lost 90lbs!) My ultimate goal was 135 lbs. (My dad was a linebacker and I inherited his large bone structure. Anything smaller than 135 lbs. would make me look anorexic.) Boys started to notice me; I felt beautiful, strong, and capable. Unfortunately, I experienced a bad break up and, as an emotional eater,  found myself fluctuating between 158 and 172 lbs. and unable to reach my goal. Luckily, in 2009, I joined Air Force ROTC at UNLV and spent most of my time running, working out at the gym, and eating healthily to maintain a weight within standards. According to the Air Force, I needed to be between 119 and 160 lbs. However, I never did get below 156 lbs. again. I experienced a setback when I tore the 3 major ligaments in my right ankle during Physical Training with my Detachment. I was in wheelchair and on crutches for 3 weeks and unable to do any sort of physical activity for 6 weeks.

Nov. 2008 - 154 lbs.

2009 - 165 lbs - I thought I was huge. Part of my addiction is a level of body dismorphic disorder. Even after losing 90lbs I still saw a morbidly obese woman in the mirror.

I lost all control when my grandfather, whom I had a deep bond with, was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer in December of 2010. I left ROTC and moved to Utah in early January 2011 to be his care giver for the last two months of his life. My grandpa passed away in my arms on February 24, 2011 and I found myself in a downward spiral of despair and depression. I turned to food, hoping to fill the gaping, empty hole left by the loss of my hero. While attempting to get back into running and exercising like I had when I was in ROTC, I managed to dislodge the major nerves in both my hips, making it difficult to even walk upright for 4 months.

My husband and I were married March 26, 2012, One month after my grandpa died. - I weighed 185 lbs.

My dream dress on the body of my nightmares.

Our Honeymoon in the Bahamas, April 2011 - 191 lbs.

My husband and I in San Diego September, 2011 - 195-200 lbs.

Murder Mystery Dinner, March 2012 - 205 1bs. - I was so embarrassed and ashamed when I saw these pictures that I deleted them from my facebook when my friend tagged me.

Despite being completely embarrassed and ashamed to the point that I actually avoid people I know so they can't see how much weight I have gained, I still can't seem to get my brain back into the right place to lose the weight again. Ever day I tell myself that this will be the day I start to get back to me, and every night I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted at the amount of food I consumed and the workout I didn't do because I was too busy sitting on the couch.

My starting point:

Today, July 1, 2012- 221-225+ lbs. (I'm at my grandmothers house because she had a stroke and needed me to spend the weekend taking care of her so I don't have a scale to weigh myself.)

It's pretty safe to say that I need to get a grip. I promised myself that today would be the day I finally got control of myself. The best way to make a change is to be held accountable for your actions. I created this blog as a daily journal for myself. This will be where I express my frustrations, joys, setbacks, and achievements on my journey back to the me I want to be. Back to a size 6/8. Back to running 20 miles a week, being able to do 50 push ups in a minute and 40 sit ups in a minute. Back to my dream of being an Officer in the Air Force. And back to the woman my husband fell in love with.